Trust No One

LA drivers are the worst! Selfish, distracted, impatient, impulsive, potentially even intoxicated, they change their minds often, and never consider anyone else. That means you have to watch out for them. On the roads here, the Prime Directive is: Trust no one.

You can’t trust them to do what they’re supposed to do. You can’t even trust them to keep doing what they’re doing. You can’t believe some of them ever got a driver’s license – and some of them didn’t. Some barely seem able to operate their vehicles, others are completely distracted, and some race around like maniacs with no regard for traffic laws, or anyone else – and you won’t know which is which until you see them in action.
It’s possible to go blocks, hours, even days without someone pulling some death-defying maneuver, but believe me, they’re out there, just waiting for you to lower your guard, and look away for half a second.

That’s why, in LA, you should assume everyone is guilty until proven innocent – because a lot of them are guilty.

• No one signals when turning or changing lanes anymore. Many (most?) drivers now change lanes and turn without signaling. It’s become an epidemic. I counted one day and a third of the drivers didn’t signal – and one blink at the last second doesn’t count. Not only that, but they’ll do it abruptly, and cut way too close in front of anyone in their path.
• Everyone lies. When drivers do use their turn signals, they often don’t mean it. Maybe it’s leftover from a turn they didn’t make a few blocks back, or they accidentally turned it on and can’t hear the indicator clicking over their blaring music. I don’t believe they’re actually going to turn until I see them slow down and steer into the turn lane, and even then I don’t assume they’ll stay there. They regularly change their mind at the last second, or get impatient, and illegally cross multiple solid lines to get where they want to go.
• Watch what they do, not what they say. Watch their body language. If the car next to you is getting too close to the lane line (either accidentally drifting or intentionally veering), you want to see it as soon as possible so you can keep your distance and/or honk appropriately (I recommend a toot for drifting, a honk for veering). If they’re too close to the car in front of them, they’re probably getting impatient and they’re about to make a move – or they’re spacing out. Either way, they might not see the problem coming, but you can – if you are ever vigilant and trust no one.
• Don’t assume they will stop at a stop sign. They’ll usually do a ‘California Roll’. They’ll slow down, but won’t actually stop. Their momentum will never fully cease. So, when you stop, double check both directions, for pedestrians – or some maniac who’s racing down the cross street, acting like they don’t even see there’s a stop sign. Make sure they’re slowing down, or far away, before you charge out in front of them. If you’re already in the intersection, don’t dawdle. It’s often safer to accelerate away from a problem. If you’re at an All Way stop, and there’s any doubt who has the right of way, use a hand signal to make sure you’re on the same page with the other driver(s).
• Don’t assume they will stop at a red light either. Drivers here frequently blow through a yellow, or even a red light, and they’ll probably speed up to do it, so you don’t want to be in front of them. If I’m the first car at a light that turns green, I make sure the cross-traffic is stopped or slowing before I charge out into the intersection, and I never make a left against oncoming traffic – even if my light has turned yellow, or even red! – until I’m sure that all oncoming cars are slowing down or stopped, because, frequently, they don’t. The last one, two, or even three cars will cross the street or make a turn even though their light has turned red and they haven’t even entered the intersection yet – a classic case of Angeleno narcissism. That means you’ll sometimes be left hanging in the intersection, blocking the cross traffic that now has a green light, waiting to make your left. Meanwhile, the impatient moron behind you is probably honking wildly (even though they can’t see the oncoming cars, and they’re probably running the red light themselves).
• Don’t assume they’re honking their horns to warn you about an imminent problem. LA drivers often honk because they’re impatient, or frustrated, or hate their lives in general, and they’re just venting. Although, they might be honking to let you know the light ahead has turned green and it’s time to move – in which case, they may lay it on a little thick, but I agree in principle: Green means go.
• Don’t assume they won’t drive on the shoulder or the wrong side of the double yellow line or make a right turn from the far left lane or a u-turn from the far right lane. Seriously. I’ve had people pass me using the right shoulder, or on the left over a double yellow (on Mulholland – approaching a blind curve)! You won’t believe some of the ridiculous things you’ll see other drivers do here. You should really worry if you start doing it too. Remember, trust no one – not even yourself!

In general, I advise that you especially beware:
• Giant SUVs (Suburbans, Escalades, etc.), which a) barely fit in one lane, even if the driver knows what they’re doing (and they usually don’t), b) totally block your view, and c) constantly throw their weight around, changing lanes, and blocking multiple lanes without a care – or signal.
• Uber (and Lyft) drivers, who are a) always in a rush, b) often in unfamiliar locales, and c) constantly distracted looking at their map and/or talking to their passengers.
• Drivers with anything in their hand(s) (drink, phone, cigarette, vape, meal, even their cute little dog), because a) they’re distracted by the text, toke, etc., b) they can’t get both hands on the wheel quickly if they have to, and c) dogs lunge, coffee spills, and lit cigarettes blow back into the car and end up in peoples’ laps. I don’t care if you put on your tie or take a sip at a red light, but not while you’re moving – and, for the love of g-d, not on the freeway!
• Bicyclists don’t make things any easier. Sometimes they act like cars, sometimes pedestrians, and sometimes motorcycles, so it’s hard to know exactly how to treat them.
• Pedestrians can’t be trusted here either. They’re extremely unpredictable. Sometimes they frantically scurry across the road without warning, sometimes they wander across, blithely jaywalking and texting, not even a glance at the traffic hurtling towards them. Sometimes they cross so slowly you think they must be doing it on purpose to taunt you – and they might be.

What’s a driver to do?

1. Scan constantly, 360°. Be especially aware of any moving objects on an intersecting trajectory. Danger comes from all sides.
2. Keep a safe distance from everyone. One car length for every 10 mph (30 mph = 3 car lengths). Half a car length between you and the vehicle in front of you when you stop. But also keep up the pace. If you leave more than safe distance, you’re dragging on everyone’s chain.
3. Don’t get distracted. Don’t stare at anything too long; that means you’re ignoring something else. As soon as you look away, someone’s going to try something.
4. Trust no one, watch everyone.